Attachment 101: Yes, your childhood does impact your adulthood
written by Rachel Morris, LPC-MHSP (temp)
Attachment theory explains how early experiences with caregivers shape the way we connect with others—especially in intimate relationships. By understanding your own style (and your partner’s), you can begin to unravel confusing dynamics, reduce reactivity, and build healthier, more fulfilling connections.
How Attachment Styles Develop
Attachment styles are formed in early childhood based on how our primary caregivers responded to our emotional needs. It’s not about perfection (because let’s be honest– what parent is perfect?) but consistent patterns do make a difference!
Secure Attachment develops when a caregiver is attuned, responsive, and emotionally available. The child learns: “It’s safe to rely on others, and my needs will be met.”
Anxious Attachment develops when a caregiver is inconsistent—sometimes nurturing, sometimes emotionally unavailable. The child becomes hyper-aware of connection, fearing abandonment.
Avoidant Attachment stems from emotionally distant or rejecting caregiving. The child learns to self-soothe and avoid vulnerability, believing their needs are a burden.
Disorganized Attachment arises in situations of chaotic, abusive, or traumatizing caregiving, where the caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear. The child grows up confused about safety and connection.
How Attachment Styles Show Up in Adult Relationships
Once we hit adulthood, these early patterns become invisible scripts that affect how we relate to others, both in platonic relationships and romantic relationships.
Secure Attachment
Comfortable with intimacy and autonomy
Can express needs clearly and listen to others
Recovers from conflict more easily
Seeks mutual, balanced connection
Anxious Attachment
Preoccupied with the relationship
Seeks constant reassurance and fears being abandoned
May be overly sensitive to partner’s mood or tone
Often feels “too much” or “not enough”
Avoidant Attachment
Values independence, may feel smothered by closeness
Shuts down or withdraws during conflict
May minimize emotional needs (their own or others’)
Appears “cool,” but struggles with vulnerability
Disorganized Attachment
Push-pull dynamic: craves closeness but fears it
Difficulty trusting or feeling safe in connection
May react strongly or unpredictably in conflict
Often carries unprocessed trauma or grief
Attachment Styles in Relationship with Each Other
The mix of styles in a relationship can create harmony—or major tension. Here’s how the styles tend to interact:
Pairing & What It Might Look Like
Secure + Secure
Generally balanced and healthy; conflict is navigated with openness and repair.
Secure + Anxious
The secure partner can help soothe the anxious one, creating stability over time.
Secure + Avoidant
The secure partner may gently encourage emotional openness; this can foster growth.
Secure + Disorganized
With patience and safety, the disorganized partner may slowly build trust and consistency.
Anxious + Avoidant
A common but painful pairing—one chases, one pulls away. Leads to a push-pull cycle.
Anxious + Anxious
Emotionally intense; both partners may struggle with insecurity and reassurance-seeking.
Avoidant + Avoidant
May look peaceful on the surface, but often lacks emotional depth or connection.
Avoidant + Disorganized
Can feel emotionally unsafe; avoidant partner may trigger unresolved trauma in the other.
Anxious + Disorganized
Turbulent dynamic—both may be overwhelmed by emotional highs and lows.
Disorganized + Disorganized
Often chaotic and unstable; both partners may struggle to feel safe or regulated.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes—and that’s the good news. Attachment styles aren’t set in stone. Through therapy, intentional relationships, and self-awareness, many people develop what’s called earned secure attachment. This means you can learn to trust, connect, and regulate your emotions even if your early experiences didn’t teach you how.
Final Thoughts
Understanding your attachment style is a powerful first step toward healthier relationships—not just romantically, but with friends, family, and yourself. It allows you to move from reaction to reflection and from confusion to compassion.
And remember: You’re not broken. You adapted to the environment you were given. Now, you get to choose what kind of connection you want to build.
Want to explore your attachment style further or work on shifting old patterns? Therapy is a great place to start. Reach out to schedule a session or follow along for more insight and tools.
I also recommend the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller.